Alright, here goes.
Up until this morning I have never even heard of the term “Impostor Syndrome.” I was scrolling through a photography Facebook group I’m in when I first heard of it. I read the definition and it fit me TO A T.
For those unaware “Impostor Syndrome” is defined as,
“a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. (Wikapedia)
I’ve always had a bit of an issue with self confidence. I was described as a perfectionist many times in high school. My mama can testify on that!
Being The Best of The Best Was Important
Second best wasn’t good enough and it would completely crush me inside. As I got older I definitely tried to hide the disappointment and be a good sport but the truth is I beat myself up time and time again.
I feel like the reason I beat myself up so often was because I felt lost in the world. For a long time I wanted to find my calling. I felt like I was good at many things but not exceptional at anything. Anyone else feel that? I switched career paths like hotcakes and constantly waited on God to tell me what to do or at least point me in the right direction.
It’s so typical of me to feel on top of the world but then self doubting thoughts bring me back down once again. I feel like I can’t possibly be this person I’m wanting to be because I’ll never be good enough. I’ve quit many times on the passions that I love because that constant pressure to succeed is so overwhelming.
These thoughts tell me that I am a terrible writer and I might as well just quit blogging because no one cares to read. Charging photography clients seems absurd because there’s no way I’m professional enough. I could go on and on about personality traits I am embarrassed of or feel like I’m limited somehow because of the way I’m created.
Maybe It’s Too Personal
Maybe it’s even unnecessary but I’m doing my best to be honest. I’d say the biggest reason I’ve taken such a break from blogging has been because I feel like nothing I could write would be worth the effort. Putting on a pretty face and smiling through the defeat is something that’s done all TOO MUCH.
I don’t want to be another “perfect parent” or someone who appears to have it all together because I’m not. I have doubts, frustrations, disappointment and pain just like anyone else.
So there you have it, a completely raw and honest me!
Now I’m wondering if anyone else has a case of “impostor syndrome.”
Maybe we are all just living our lives feeling like a fraud. Who knows! Let me know in the comments if you feel the same way. Maybe you have something else going on. Whatever it is, I’ll listen. I hear you.